The Hidden Cost of Being the Person Everyone Relies On

In almost every organisation, there are people who seem to make everything run a little more smoothly.

They're the colleagues who notice when someone is struggling, offer to help when deadlines are approaching and quietly take responsibility for things that might otherwise be overlooked.  They remember birthdays, support new starters, make time to listen and step forward when somebody needs assistance.

Their contribution can be enormously valuable, particularly when their care and generosity help to create a sense of belonging and connection.  However, rarely do we pause to consider what happens when an organisation becomes so accustomed to that generosity that it begins to depend upon it.

When helpfulness becomes an expectation

There's an important difference between appreciating someone's willingness to help and building organisational expectations around their continued availability.  A colleague who regularly volunteers to take on additional responsibilities may gradually become the person everyone approaches when something needs doing.

Over time, the requests can become increasingly automatic.

What began as a freely offered act of support may develop into an unspoken expectation.   The fact that the person has demonstrated that they're capable, dependable and willing, means that others may not recognise the increasing pressure they're carrying.

In our work at Balanceology, we encourage coaches and organisations to look beyond the visible symptoms of burnout and consider the wider patterns and conditions that contribute to it.  One of those patterns can be overgiving.

It doesn't feature in every burnout story, and it would be misleading to suggest that burnout can be explained simply by someone's willingness to help. Excessive workloads, limited autonomy, poor organisational support, unfair treatment and many other occupational stressors can play significant roles.  Nevertheless, when organisations repeatedly rely on people's generosity to compensate for insufficient resources or unclear responsibilities, there can be consequences for both individuals and teams.

The invisible work of caring

Some of the most valuable contributions people make to organisational life sit outside of formal job descriptions.  Things like the qualities of a colleague who supports somebody experiencing a difficult time, the manager who spends additional hours making sure their team feels heard, or the person who helps maintain relationships when tensions arise.

These activities can absolutely strengthen connection and contribute to healthier working environments, at the same time they often require being willing to put in extra hours, devote considerable additional attention and extend significant emotional energy.

When this work is unevenly distributed or consistently expected from particular individuals, it can become an additional source of pressure.

It is worth considering who is regularly asked to provide this support, whose contribution is recognised and whether those responsibilities are appropriately shared.

We also need to be mindful of the assumptions we make about people's availability.  Someone without children, for example, may be perceived as having greater flexibility than colleagues with parenting responsibilities, despite having equally important commitments, relationships and needs outside work.  Similarly, an employee who rarely voices concerns may be assumed to be coping well, even when under the surface, they are struggling.

A culture of care needs to make room for the different circumstances of everyone within it.  That often requires finding a way of working that builds in more spaciousness than we have been conditioned to feel comfortable with.

The relationship between kindness and burnout

In a recent episode of the Burnout to Brilliance podcast, Balanceology founder Jayne Morris spoke with money coach Ray Dodd about the concept of kindness at all costs.

Their conversation explored how expectations surrounding kindness can become intertwined with identity, social conditioning and the desire to be seen as good or helpful.

Within organisations, these expectations can influence how comfortable people feel declining requests, raising concerns or asking for support. An example of this might be somebody who believes that being a valued colleague means always being available, they may continue accepting additional responsibilities long after their capacity has been exceeded.  Over time, this can contribute to exhaustion, frustration and resentment.

For leaders, it is important to recognise that an individual's difficulty setting boundaries may be only one part of the picture.  If the organisation rewards constant availability, praises people for repeatedly going beyond their contracted responsibilities and fails to address excessive workloads, then encouraging employees to become better at saying no will have limited impact unless those wider conditions also change.

What can leaders begin to notice?

A useful starting point is to consider how care, responsibility and workload are distributed within the team.

Who regularly volunteers when additional work arises?

Who is expected to provide emotional support to colleagues?

Are certain people repeatedly praised for going above and beyond, without consideration of whether their contribution is sustainable?

Do employees feel able to decline additional requests without fearing that their commitment will be questioned?

When someone does establish a boundary, how do colleagues and leaders respond?

These questions can reveal important aspects of organisational culture that might otherwise remain unnoticed.  They can also create opportunities to redistribute responsibilities, clarify expectations and strengthen the support available to everyone.

Creating cultures where kindness can flourish

Kindness has an important place in organisational life.  We need leaders who listen, colleagues who support one another and workplaces where care and consideration are part of everyday interactions.

However, sustainable cultures of care require more than individual generosity.  They depend upon realistic workloads, clear expectations, psychological safety, appropriate resources and a willingness to recognise when the burden of caring has become unevenly distributed.  They also require leaders to demonstrate that protecting capacity is compatible with being committed, compassionate and professional.

When people feel able to contribute without continually sacrificing their own wellbeing, kindness has greater opportunity to remain something freely offered rather than something demanded.

At Balanceology, we believe that recognising these patterns is an important part of burnout-informed leadership and coaching.  The world needs more kindness, and our workplaces have an important role to play in creating the conditions in which it can be sustained.

Listen and Learn More

In Series 4, Episode 9 of Burnout to Brilliance, Jayne Morris MCC speaks with money coach Ray Dodd about Kindness at All Costs and Burnout.

Their conversation explores the relationship between kindness, conditioning, boundaries, identity and the discomfort of doing things differently.

Listen to the episode: https://www.balanceology.uk/podcast

To explore burnout-informed coaching, leadership development and organisational support, visit www.balanceology.uk.

Coaches can also discover our Certified Burnout Coach Programme, which explores the personal, relational and systemic factors that can contribute to burnout.