Finding Compassion and Hope During the Holidays
The holiday season is often portrayed as a time of joy and celebration, but for many, it can bring up deep feelings of grief and loss. Whether it's the absence of a loved one, the loss of a relationship, or the weight of personal struggles, the conflicting emotions of grief can make this time of year challenging.
Understanding Grief Beyond Bereavement
Grief is often thought of as synonymous with bereavement, but it's much broader than that. During an interview with Jess Goyder, for The Art of Balance Burnout Podcast, Jess provided the helpful definition of grief as “the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behaviour.” It’s not just about losing someone - it could be the loss of a job, a move to a new place, or even a shift in identity.
These endings and changes are part of life, yet as a society, we’re not equipped with the tools to process or navigate them. Culturally, we focus on accumulating - relationships, experiences, achievements - but rarely do we learn how to cope with losing them. As a result, many people find themselves carrying unresolved grief into the holidays, a season steeped in rituals and expectations that can amplify feelings of loss.
Why We Struggle with Grief in Modern Times
Historically, grief was a communal experience. Rituals and collective mourning practices allowed people to process loss together. But over time, societal shifts - from the stoicism required during the World Wars to the rise of capitalism and individualism - have eroded these traditions. Grief became something to be dealt with privately, and the rituals that once helped us navigate loss faded away.
This "lost literacy," as Jess calls it, has left many people unsure of how to acknowledge and express their grief. Instead, we’re often told - explicitly or implicitly - to “keep calm and carry on.” But grief doesn’t work that way. It demands to be felt and processed, and when it’s suppressed, it can manifest in other ways, including burnout and emotional exhaustion.
The Connection Between Grief, Loneliness, and Burnout
One of the most overlooked aspects of grief is its link to loneliness and burnout. Studies show that loneliness is a significant contributor to burnout, yet this connection is rarely acknowledged. Grief, especially unprocessed grief, can isolate us further, creating a cycle where we feel increasingly disconnected and overwhelmed.
Often, burnout isn’t just about external pressures - it can also stem from internal struggles with unresolved grief. Many people use busyness or overachievement as a way to distract themselves from feelings of loss. This overfunctioning might mask grief temporarily, but it ultimately takes a toll, leading to physical and emotional exhaustion.
Finding Balance: The Oscillation of Grief
Grieving isn’t a linear process. It’s more like a pendulum, as described by the dual process model of grief. On one side is loss-oriented work - feeling the sadness, facing the pain, and confronting the reality of loss. On the other is restoration-oriented work - looking forward, finding moments of joy, and focusing on rebuilding.
This natural oscillation means it’s okay to feel hopeful one moment and devastated the next. Grief is not a single emotion but a spectrum of conflicting feelings: relief, guilt, sadness, joy, and everything in between.
During the holidays, this pendulum can swing more frequently. You might feel a spark of happiness while decorating the tree, only to be overwhelmed by sadness moments later. Recognising this ebb and flow - and allowing yourself to move with it - can help ease the discomfort of the season.
Practical Ways to Support Yourself During the Holidays
Honour Your Feelings:
Give yourself permission to feel whatever comes up without judgment. Grief is not something to “fix” but a natural process to be supported.
Simplify Expectations:
You don’t have to do everything. Choose the traditions and activities that feel manageable and meaningful, and let go of the rest.
Create New Rituals:
Rituals can be powerful tools for processing grief. Consider creating a new tradition to honour your loss, such as lighting a candle or writing a letter to someone you miss.
Lean on Community:
If you’re struggling, reach out for support. Whether it’s a trusted friend, a family member, or a professional, sharing your feelings can help you feel less alone.
Practice Self-Compassion:
Remember that there’s no “right” way to grieve or navigate the holidays. Be kind to yourself, and recognise that you’re doing the best you can.
Grief as Part of Life’s Richness
Grief, as difficult as it is, also deepens our capacity to love and appreciate. It reminds us of the beauty and fragility of life. As one practitioner shared, “The more I rest and allow myself to feel sadness, the more capacity I have for joy. A life full of grief is also a life full of love.”
This holiday season, if you’re navigating grief, remember that it’s okay to feel a mix of emotions. The conflicting feelings you experience are a testament to what—and who—you’ve loved and lost. By approaching yourself with compassion and allowing space for both sorrow and joy, you can begin to find hope and meaning amidst the complexity of the season.
Final Thoughts
Grief doesn’t end; it changes. Just as the seasons of nature cycle through growth, decay, and renewal, our lives are marked by moments of loss and rebirth. By learning to walk alongside grief, we can begin to embrace its lessons and live more fully.
So, this Christmas, if you find yourself struggling, remember: grief is not a problem to be solved, but a natural response to love and loss. And in honouring it, you honour yourself and the people, places, and moments that have shaped your life.
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